Author: Yanna Noboa LICSW, CCPT | Child Mental Health Therapy
Are you feeling like your child has a hard time listening to you? are you concern about their problem solving skills and their self esteem?
If you are, I have great news for you. As Child Therapist, we often hear parents complain how hard it is to have their child listen to them, there are always power struggles between them or they feel like their child is too dependent on them and are concerned about their child’s ability to problem solve and to do things on their own. There’s an antidote to this! providing children with choices!
In my play therapy sessions, one of the skills I use to help children problem solving, to empowers them and reduces power struggles is a skill called choice-giving. There are two kinds of choice-giving:
- There are choices that are used to empower children
- Choices to reduce power struggles
- Choices that are given as consequences and as method of discipline
So let’s talk about the first one. Choices to empower your child.
Providing children with age-appropriate choices empowers children by allowing them a measure of control over their circumstances. Children who feel more empowered and “in control” are more capable of regulating their own behavior, a prerequisite for self-control. Choices require that children tap into their inner resources, rather than relying on parents (external resources) to stop their behavior or solve the problem for them. If parents always intervene, the child learns that “Mom or Dad will stop me if I get out of hand” or “Mom or Dad will figure out a solution if I get in a jam.
Presenting children with choices provides opportunities for decision-making and problem-solving. Through the practice of choice-making, children learn to accept responsibility for their choices and actions and learn they are competent and capable.
These choices can be given at any time when you are with your child. They are simple but powerful.
“Sarah , do you want to wear your pink dress or purple dress to school? Or Sarah do you want an apple or orange with your lunch?”
“You’re not sure which color to choose, you can choose the purple one or the pink one.”
Choices that provide opportunity for decision-making problem solving and reduction in power struggles. These choices are particularly important to avoid a potential problem between you and your child and sometimes requires some thinking and planning ahead:
- Lets say your child wants to eat something sweet after school but you want him to have healthy snacks as well. Plan ahead by having two choices of healthy snacks that your child likes, before he heads to cookie Jar. You can say “ Josh, I bought grapes and cherries for snacks which would you like?
- Let’s say your 9 year old child tends to head straight to his room to play video games after school. Plan ahead to brainstorm alternative activities for your child afterschool. You can say, “Luca, I thought of some things we can do this afternoon together before dinner. Do you want to go outside to play catch or help bake a cake for dessert tonight?
Providing children with choices reduces power struggles between parent and child and, importantly, preserves the child-parent relationship. Both parent and child are empowered; parent is responsible for, or in control of, providing parameters for choices, and the child is responsible for, or in control of, his decision (within parent-determined parameters)
Choices that are given as a method of discipline or consequence:
Children need parental guidance and discipline. In many instances, parents must make decisions for children—decisions that children are not mature enough to take responsibility for—such as bedtime, other matters of health and safety, and compliance with household policies and rules. However, you can provide their children with some measure of control in the situation by providing choices.
- Method for discipline: Let’s say your child is tired and cranky and refuse to get in the care to go home from grandma’s house. You can say “Omar, you can choose to sit in the middle row by daddy or you can choose to sit in the back with your brother- which do you choose? you are deciding what your child needs to do- but you are giving her/him the choice on how to do it.
- Method for Consequence: Lets say you asked your child to pick up their toys for dinner and your child does not want to. You say if you choose to pick up the toys before dinner, then you choose to watch tv after dinner but if you choose to not pick up your toys, then you choose not to watch tv. You walk away to get dinner ready, 10 minutes later your child has not picked up their toys. Give yourself a moment- Then say “looks like you decided not watch tv tonight.” If your child starts to pick up the toys now, they already decided not to pick them up when you asked them. You then say “oh you are thinking that If you choose to pick up the toys now, you can choose watch tv, but the rule was that the toys need to be put away before dinner. Your child will plead for another chance but calmy and empathetically set the consequence. “I know that you wish you would have chosen to put your toys away before dinner, so you could choose to watch TV now. Tomorrow night, you can choose to put your toys away before dinner and choose to watch TV.”
Let’s say the next day and its almost time for dinner, and you noticed your child picked up their toys – “you can say “it’s time for dinner- looks like you have chose to watch tv after dinner.”
So the trick of given choices as a consequence- is that you have asked your child to do something, they don’t comply with it because they chose not, because of that choice that they made- there is a consequence to that- either no tv time, no dessert, are any other consequence.
I recommend for you to think about consequences for your child- and to always use the word you chose, when your child chose not follow a request.
So I challenge you this week to put these choice given strategies to work!
