Author: Yanna Noboa LICSW CCPT| Child Mental Health Therapy
As a child therapist some of the questions that parents often ask us : How can I make my child listen to me ? How can I discipline them? How can I set limits that are effective?
These questions often come from parents that are overwhelmed and feel uncertain on how to appropriately set limits for their kids.
As parents, we often have strong beliefs about discipline, many of which stem from how we were raised. Traditionally, discipline is associated with enforcing compliance. However, what if we reimagined discipline as a chance for children to develop self-control, self-regulation? One day, your child will need to navigate the world without your guidance. How can we empower them to practice self-control?
Fortunately, part of the work of child therapist and play therapist is to offer parents with simple and concrete strategies to be able to set these limits to teach kids self-control. In child centered play therapy, which is the intervention I offer to in my practice we use the ACT model below:
A: Acknowledge the feeling
C: Communicate the limit
T: Target acceptable alternative
Let’s say you are playing with your child, and is time to clean up. You say Hey Sarah, is time to clean up our play time is over. Sarah becomes angry and attempts to hit you.
So, you start by saying your child’s Name: Sarah,
Acknowledge the feeling: I know you are mad that play time is over.
Communicate the limit: But I am not for hitting
Target acceptable alternative: You can choose to hit this pillow or you can choose to hit the punching bag. which do you choose?
When you are setting limits using this model there are very important things to remember.
- Your tone has to express you mean business so firm but not harsh.
- When you are offering an acceptable alternative its important you provide an alternative that meets your child’s needs. In the example above what do you think the child’s need is here? Of course the child is upset which is driving the need to hit you. So how we can meet that need to release anger in a healthy manner? By offering your child a different alternative that will allow them to meet that need. like in this case hitting a pillow or punching bag.
- Don’t try to force your child to obey the limit. Remember to collaborate to explore acceptable alternatives. In this method, it really is up to your child to decide to accept or break the limit; however, it is your job, as the parent, to consistently enforce the limit.
- Remember to be patient. This is a new experience for you and your child. It may be necessary to repeat the limit 2–3 times to allow your child to bring self under control and practice emotional regulation. with consistent limits helps them feel safe and secure. This method of limit setting teaches your child elf-control and responsibility for their own behavior by allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices and decisions. Limits are set to help with self-control and for them to begin to learn to stop themselves in the real world.
If you would like to learn more about how to best teach your child self-control, self-responsibility please call us at 617-544-7093 for a free consultation.
