Author: Yanna Noboa LICSW, CCPT| Child Mental Health Therapy & Play therapy
What to Do When Limit Setting Doesn’t Work
When a child repeatedly tests boundaries, it can feel frustrating and exhausting. That’s why today, we’re going to discuss what to do when the traditional limit-setting approach doesn’t seem to be effective.
First, it’s important to make sure you are setting the limit correctly using the ACT model: Acknowledge the feeling, Communicate the limit, and Target alternatives. Please read how our blog “How to Say No Nicely to Kids” to learn about the ACT model of limit setting and discipline. https://thehealingnestplaytherapy.com/uncategorized/how-tell-kids-no-nicely/
Scenario Example: Let’s say you’ve stated the limit clearly: “Sophie, you want to play with the Play-Doh on the floor, but the floor is not for Play-Doh. You can play with it on the table.” But despite your reminder, Sophie continues to dump the Play-Doh on the floor.
Step 1: Use the ACT model to set the limit up to three times with pauses in between. For example:
- “Sophie, you really want to play with the Play-Doh on the floor, but it’s not allowed there. You can use it on the table.”
Step 2: If Sophie continues to ignore you and plays with the Play-Doh on the floor again, repeat the ACT model up to three times. Make sure you are calm and patient throughout, giving her time to process and make a choice.
Step 3: Introduce Choice-Giving (If/Then Method): If your child is still non-compliant after setting the limit, use the If/Then choice-giving method. For instance, you might say:
- “Sophie, if you choose to play with the Play-Doh on the table, then you are choosing to keep playing with it today. If you choose to play with the Play-Doh on the floor, then you are choosing to put it away for the rest of the day.”
It’s crucial to use the words “choice” or “choose” during this process to empower your child with decision-making and clarify the consequences of their behavior.
If Sophie doesn’t respond and continues playing on the floor, you can say:
- “Sophie, it looks like you’ve chosen to put the Play-Doh away today. You can choose to give it to me, or you can choose to put it away yourself. Which do you choose?”
What If My Child Cries or Begs for Another Chance?
It’s very common for children to become upset or ask for another chance. While it’s difficult as a parent, it’s important to follow through on the consequence and acknowledge their emotions, like:
- “Sophie, you’re unhappy that you chose to put the Play-Doh away today, but you can choose to play on the table with next time.”
This helps your child understand the impact of their decisions while feeling supported and heard.
What if My Child Decides to Follow the Limit?
If Sophie decides to comply and play with the Play-Doh on the table, acknowledge her choice:
- “It looks like you decided to keep playing with the Play-Doh on the table!.”
This acknowledgement encourages your child to continue making good decisions.
Key Tips:
- Consider underlying causes like fatigue, hunger, or stress before expecting cooperation.
- Stay calm and consistent, respecting both yourself and your child.
- Understand that emotionally overwhelmed children struggle to make rational choices. Take breaks if needed.
- Establish reasonable consequences for disobedience and never tolerate violence.
- If your child refuses to choose, you choose for them.
- Always enforce consequences to maintain boundaries.
Remember, using the ACT model and choice-giving method requires patience and persistence. It’s normal for these moments to test your patience, but over time, consistent limit-setting will help your child feel secure and capable of making healthier choices.
