Author: Yanna Noboa LICSW, CCPT | Child Therapist & Play Therapist
Never Do for a Child What They Can Do for Themselves
One of the most empowering things you can do as parents is to give our children opportunities to be independent. If your child is capable of doing something that’s developmentally appropriate for their age, it’s important to step back and allow them to do it on their own before stepping in to help. This fosters self-reliance, problem-solving, and confidence in their abilities.
Instead of focusing on the final product, encourage the effort. Acknowledge the work they put into something—their persistence, focus, and the process—rather than just the outcome.
Praise vs. Encouragement: What’s the Difference?
While praise and encouragement both focus on positive behaviors, there’s a fundamental difference in how they impact your child’s development.
Praise: Praise often fosters dependence on external validation. When we praise, we’re motivating children with external rewards, making them more likely to seek approval from others rather than relying on their internal sense of accomplishment. For example, saying “You’re such a good boy/girl” or “I’m so proud of you” can lead children to question their worth when they don’t receive similar praise. They may come to rely on your approval to feel good about themselves.
Example:
- “You got an A! That’s great!”
- “You did a good job!”
- “I’m so proud of you!”
These phrases suggest that the parent’s evaluation is more important than the child’s.
Encouragement: In contrast, encouragement focuses on internal motivation and self-evaluation. It helps children accept their mistakes, learn from them, and build confidence in themselves. When we encourage, we acknowledge effort without placing value judgments like “good” or “excellent.” Encouragement helps children believe in their abilities and fosters resilience. This is where qualities like persistence and determination come from—knowing that their efforts are valued, regardless of the outcome.
Example:
- “You really worked hard on that!”
- “You didn’t give up until you figured it out.”
- “Look at the progress you’ve made!”
Matching Your Child’s Emotions
When your child is excited about something, like getting an “A” on a test, mirror their enthusiasm. Instead of saying, “That’s great,” you might say, “You’re really proud of that!” This keeps the focus on their internal feelings rather than your evaluation.
Another great way to celebrate your child’s achievements is by using “after-the-event celebrations” which are based on their pride in the accomplishment. For example, if your child is proud of doing well on a test, you could say, “Sounds like something to celebrate! Let’s bake a cake!” or “You choose the restaurant tonight, my treat!”
Three Types of Encouraging Phrases
- Encouraging Phrases That Recognize Effort and Improvement
- “You did it!”
- “You really worked hard on that.”
- “You didn’t give up until you figured it out.”
- “Look at the progress you’ve made!” (Be specific)
- Encouraging Phrases That Show Confidence
- “That’s a tough one, but I bet you’ll figure it out.”
- “Sounds like you have a plan.”
- “Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll do great.”
- Encouraging Phrases That Focus on Contributions, Assets, and Appreciation
- “Thanks, that was a big help.”
- “It was thoughtful of you to __________.”
- “You have a knack for __________. Can you give me a hand with this?”
Encouragement in Summary
Encouragement is about:
- Valuing and accepting children as they are, without conditions.
- Pointing out the positive aspects of their behavior.
- Showing faith in their abilities, so they can learn to believe in themselves.
- Recognizing effort and improvement, rather than requiring specific achievements.
- Appreciating their contributions and strengths.
Your Challenge for the Week
This week, I challenge you to try using one of these encouraging phrases. Focus on recognizing effort and improvement. Next week, try phrases that show confidence, and the following week, focus on those that acknowledge contributions, assets, and appreciation.
This process may feel different at first, but over time, you’ll see how much more empowered and confident your child becomes. By shifting from praise to encouragement, you’re helping them build a solid foundation of self-worth and resilience that will serve them well throughout life. You’ve got this! Remember, small changes can make a big impact. Keep observing and celebrating the progress, no matter how small.
References:
- Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.
- Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT): A 10-session filial therapy model. Routledge.
