Author: Yanna Noboa LICSW, CCPT | Child Mental Health Therapist & Play Therapist
Be a Thermostat, Not a Thermometer: Respond, Don’t React
I wonder what comes to mind when you hear this phrase? Let’s explore this idea a little deeper. Think of how a thermostat works: it continuously monitors the temperature in a room and compares it to a set goal. When the temperature drifts away from that goal, the thermostat doesn’t just accept it; instead, it activates heating or cooling to bring the temperature back to the desired level.
A thermometer, on the other hand, simply tells you what the temperature is—it reacts to changes without adjusting anything. In other words, it mirrors its environment without any attempt to influence it.
So, how does this relate to parenting? When we say, “Be a thermostat, not a thermometer,” we’re encouraging you to respond thoughtfully (like a thermostat) rather than simply react (like a thermometer). Parenting, especially in emotional or challenging moments, can sometimes pull us into our children’s feelings. But it’s important to remember: Your child’s emotions are not your emotions. You don’t need to let your feelings rise and fall based on your child’s emotional state. By being a thermostat, you create a steady, calming influence, adjusting yourself to support and guide your child back to a balanced state.
In Practice
When your child is upset, instead of mirroring their frustration or distress, take a moment to notice your own response. Center yourself, stay calm, and offer a reassuring presence that helps bring your child back to a peaceful state. This way, you’re like the thermostat—adjusting to the situation with intention, not merely reflecting the emotional “temperature” around you.
Parenting with this mindset can be transformative, turning moments of conflict or frustration into opportunities for both you and your child to grow in emotional resilience. So next time your child’s emotions flare, think like a thermostat, and help guide the room back to calm.
Reflecting Feelings
Reflecting feelings is one way to practice this thermostat approach. When a child is upset, reflecting their feelings can show them that you understand and accept their emotions. For instance, saying, “ You’re feeling frustrated right now,” helps your child feel seen without intensifying the emotion. This validation can reduce their emotional intensity and helps them feel supported, allowing you to remain in a calm state and offer a steady presence. You can read more about reflecting feelings in this blog
The “Be With” Attitude
The “be with” attitude complements this by emphasizing that your presence alone is enough; you don’t need to solve every problem or prevent every feeling. When you focus on just being there for your child during a tough moment, you create a safe space for them to express and process emotions. For example, if your child is sad because of a challenging day at school, simply sitting with them, listening, and gently saying, “I’m here with you,” shows them they’re not alone and helps them feel secure. You can read more about this in this blog
Bringing It All Together
By incorporating both reflective listening and a “be with” attitude, you offer a grounding influence. This combination allows you to respond with calm guidance instead of simply reacting to the “temperature” of the moment. These tools help you stay connected with your child’s experience while also helping them move back to a place of calm, fostering a stronger emotional connection and resilience.
So next time emotions run high, remember: respond with intention, reflect feelings, and focus on just being there. You’ll be creating a safe, supportive environment for growth, one small moment at a time.
References:
- Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Routledge.
- Ray, D. C. (2011). Child-Centered Play Therapy Research: The Evidence Base for Effective Practice. New York, NY: Routledge.
- Ray, D. C., & Bratton, S. C. (2000). Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT): A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model. New York, NY: Routledge
