“Focus on the donut, not the hole.” I wonder what comes to mind when you hear this phrase? It’s a simple, yet powerful reminder to shift our perspective, especially in relationships—whether with ourselves, our partners, or in this case, our children.
So, what does focus on the donut, not the hole really mean in parenting?
It’s all about focusing on what’s there, the positives, rather than what’s missing. For example, instead of focusing in on the challenges and behaviors that might frustrate you about your child, this idea encourages you to focus on what’s strong and present in your relationship—your connection, love, and the strengths your child brings to the table.
In moments of frustration or stress, it’s easy to get swept up in “the hole”—the things that are going wrong or feel like obstacles. Maybe it’s your child not listening, throwing a tantrum, or struggling with something that triggers your worry. These moments can pull us into a tunnel vision of focusing on the problem. But if we pause and shift and look at the “the donut,” we’re reminded of the whole picture: your child’s resilience, their unique personality, and the love you share. This shift can change how we react, allowing us to stay grounded in what matters most– your relationship with our child.
Next time you find yourself feeling upset or frustrated, try to keep this simple rule in mind. Focus on what’s important—the connection, the joy, the strengths—and let that guide your response.
In the end, it’s not about ignoring problems, but about keeping perspective. The more we focus on the donut, the more we nourish and strengthen the core of our relationships with our children. The more we focus on “the donut,” the better the relationship with our child becomes. This connection not only strengthens the bond but also serves as an antidote to many behavioral challenges. When a child feels secure, understood, and connected, their need to act out often decreases. By emphasizing the strengths in your relationship and in your child, you create a positive foundation that encourages better behavior over time.
What are some practical ways you can do this?
- Highlight Your Child’s Strengths
Acknowledge the things your child does well, no matter how small. If your child is creative, curious, or kind, point it out. Focusing on their strengths reinforces positive behavior and builds their confidence.Example: “you used your imagination to solve that problem!” - Practice Active Listening
When your child talks to you, give them your full attention. This shows them that you value what they have to say and strengthens their trust in you. Being heard is essential to feeling connected.Example: “I’m listening. Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.” - Use Encouragement, Not Praise
Instead of focusing on what your child did wrong, notice their efforts and encourage their actions. Highlighting their attempts helps them feel capable and motivates them to continue making positive choices.Example: “I noticed you worked really hard to clean up your toys. That took a lot of effort!” - Stay Calm During Difficult Moments
It’s easy to get frustrated, but when we stay calm, it helps de-escalate the situation. Take a breath and remind yourself to focus on your relationship rather than the immediate issue.Example: “I see you’re upset. Let’s talk about what we can do next time when you feel this way.” - Have Daily Moments of Connection
Spend dedicated time with your child each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. This could be reading together, playing a game, or simply talking. These moments build a strong foundation of connection.Example: “Let’s take five minutes before bed to read a book together.” - Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validate your child’s emotions, even when they’re upset. Showing empathy helps them feel understood and supported, which strengthens your relationship.Example: ” you’re feeling frustrated. I’m here with you, and we’ll figure this out together.” - Celebrate Small Wins
Focus on progress rather than perfection. When your child makes an effort, celebrate it, no matter how small the success may seem.Example: “You tried really hard today, even though it was really hard. You didn’t give up. - Repair After Conflict
Every relationship has conflict, and that’s okay. What matters is how we repair afterward. Apologize if needed, talk things through, and reaffirm your love for your child.Example: “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I love you, and we can work through this together.” - Model the Behavior You Want to See
Children often imitate what they see. By modeling patience, kindness, and problem-solving, you show them how to navigate challenges in a healthy way.Example: “I’m feeling frustrated, but I’m going to take a deep breath and try again.” - Reflect on Your Relationship
Take time to regularly reflect on what’s going well in your relationship with your child. By consciously appreciating the positive, you’ll be more likely to stay focused on the donut.
Example: “I’m so grateful for how much we laugh together.”
By implementing these practical steps, you’ll notice a stronger bond with your child. Focusing on the “donut” not only nurtures your relationship but also reduces behavioral challenges as your child feels more secure, understood, and connected.
References:
- Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.
- Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT): A 10-session filial therapy model. Routledge.
